For my lover who doesn't mind that I can only pretty much boil water and who has accepted that living with me means living on take-outs and three-minute noodles.

(picture taken by Allan; Bataan)

the more i think about it, the more i realize the idea of getting married scares me. but that it's a life with al gives me some comfort.

this surprise gift was given with a stolen kiss. we were in a bookstore and it was such a rare display of affection but it made me feel kilig.

A 1902 drug guide I found beneath an old shelf in an old mansion along a dusty road of an old town. How hard it was not to dekwat!

Warning: this is not a love story, sad or happy.

***

I've always wanted to be a doctor. If my memory serves me right, I was in Nursery when I was first asked what I want to be when I grow up. It was one of the two questions that left a mark (the other was "Why do you have a boy's nickname?" And so from Nursery to Kindergarten, I went by Rika instead of Erik and have found myself defying gender odds from that time on...but feminism is another topic entirely). I recall saying "I will be a doctor," with all the conviction a four-year old can muster. I never hated school. I can count with one hand the times I failed exams and quizzes, not including Math subjects of course - numbers are as foreign to me as the language of minions (banana!). As much as I loved learning, I was rather impatient to put on that white coat and sling on a pink stethoscope around my neck. Nothing else existed except that image. One year in school for me meant one year closer to that dream.

Time went by and I grew older but not taller, wiser but sixpence none the richer. I went out of college ready to take on the world. Little did I know fate has other plans for me. Long story short, I ended up working in a hospital, not quite a doctor. It is the most frustrating feeling, I suppose, to be surrounded by people you want to be like, to want something more than anything in the world and see nothing but a stretch of vast ocean, the shore still forever and a mile away. And then the one time, and the closest you've ever been to feeling the sand under your feet, a huge wave carries you right back to the middle of the deep blue, with only a slab of wood to hold on to, just enough to keep your head out of the water.

As of now, I still don't know if I will go ahead with med this school year...or if I will be able to get in at all. Grades were never my problem, it's always been the forces that be. A friend I refer to as my semi-lover (who of course, as you all know at this point, is already my full time lover) told me, if it's too difficult, then it's probably not for you. And he may be right. Maybe all this time I was meant to do something else, maybe all this time the path that I should take is right in front me, already paved, and just waiting for my first step. Maybe that path doesn't lead to my dream at all, something I have no idea I want, maybe even something I would love if I don't already. Maybe.

More than the death of dream, I mourn the loss of innocence, that feeling that you could reach the stars, that invincible feeling you have as a child that if you study and pray hard enough, you'll get a high score on a quiz. And if it's your lucky day, you'll get a ten out of ten, and a pack of your favorite chocolates all to yourself as a reward. I've had other difficult experiences that burst my bubble before but this is the harshest reality check so far.

God knows I tried and am still trying but I have a sinking feeling that this is the one battle I cannot win. And it took a lot of strength for my stubborn ass to say that. To have something so close, yet so far. If I never continue on to med school either because of the universe conspiring against me or simply me accepting enough is enough, I know that it will be something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I haven't given up on the world, but I'm old enough to know when to let go. I'm old enough to know my limits, to know when a dream has no place in this jaded and cruel world. And if I should ever let go of this dream, in this life, I know that it will be the one that got away.


***


Yes, I am aware that I haven't written in a long time so here goes...


This is for my lover, my number one cheerdancer, even if he is a horrible, horrible dancer.


This is for my baby sister who is becoming more and more beautiful each day.


This is for my three dogs, one that acts like a monkey, one that meows like a cat, and one that is the antithesis of all the rottweilers in the world as it is so tame people confuse it for a big teddy.


This is for my friends who make life so much more bearable, my oasis in this scorching desert.


Lastly, this is for the doctors I know and have yet to know. You guys are and forever will be my heroes.

my future children will be free to fall in love with whoever they choose. i want them to know that red is never just red but also that feeling when you can't wait to be with your lover, that slightly faster heartbeat each time you look into his eyes, that blush the first time you kiss.

I spent half of the morning daydreaming about my future wedding. I’m so in love with this view.

Inn at Cliffhouse, Tagaytay.

how great would it be, to become a child again. but then i wouldn't want to go through all the drama I just survived.

Who knew this job would turn me into such a mean person? The other day, I had a patient who was fighting for his life and instead of wishing he would live, I was thinking of all the papers and the hassle endorsement I'd have to do if he did. (This picture was taken months ago. I injured myself while opening an ampule of medicine for a nag-iinarteng patient who only came to the ER for a med cert - a reminder that I need to be more uh, patient. My thumb is fine now.)