I find myself turning to prayer, more and more these days. I was a product of sin, conceived out of wedlock, but spent my whole life in Catholic schools. I see my parents as blind followers, perhaps as a product of the culture we were a part of, not necessarily because of a strong belief in a higher being. I don't know how, but early on, I found the balance between faith and science. I married a Zen Catholic, and we currently live with his parents who play out a mass recording every-fucking-day. No matter how many times older people have taught me how to pray properly. I could never sit through any of it - novena, mass, charismatic BS.
I view religion as a means to instill fear, to discipline people, to exploit the many. But in my own quiet time, in prayer, in what is commonly regarded as an expression of religion, the very thing I abhor, I find my peace. Sometimes, I think, we only need someone to listen to our ramblings about our everyday worries. When we don't have that someone, we turn to ourselves, and we call it prayer to avoid being called insane.
I only write when I'm sad. Notice how I only have 1 entry in 2013 but have several for October 2014. I'm not a great writer. I even think it's pretentious to call myself a writer. But the ones I manage to publish and post turn out okay, and I do get asked why I don't write that often.
I only write when I'm sad. And sadness is a feeling I've been trying to escape my whole life.
