I feel trapped in this marriage. I'm no longer happy. And I find it harder and harder to fake it.

So I read a message thread between my husband (when he was still my boyfriend) and this other girl. The last exchange was in August of 2012, when he left for the US the first time. When this girl asked him how's the house he left behind, my husband (boyfriend) answered, "Oh, it's okay, my sister is there to manage it."

Thing is, when other people asked the same question, he answered truthfully: that he'll be leaving the house with me.

Funny how I was never mentioned in a message exchange that spanned 4 years.

***

I have not forgiven him for his past (repeated) indiscretions. I don't think I can. I try to, God knows I am still trying. But I know this feeling. I recognize this type of resolve from my past break-ups, when something in me just dies and no tears or any amount of apologies can change my mind. It's not a forced decision. It's just a sudden feeling of not caring anymore, the sudden inability to feel sympathy or affection or love. I wish I felt this before I married him.

***

It used to be the other way around, me running after him, and him having me as a main dish but with many others on the side. I would often wonder then, when would he quit those other girls, and what would it be like to have the tables turned.

***

We're moving to a new place. I hope it helps get the feeling back. I'm kind of in limbo. I feel it in my heart, that I don't love him anymore. He's been asking for forgiveness for two long years, but all I could think of is how hot it would be to have sex with somebody else. I'm not happy in this marriage.